i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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