It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
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I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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