so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm both gender and math confused
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize