I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
