I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
