Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I checked into jail on foursquare
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
