She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
