OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
