remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
