i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
