just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
