Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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