Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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