your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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