I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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