from now on my penis is your penis
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
