It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
