Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
