I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
