I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
