Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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