Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
