I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
