Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
high people should be assigned attendants
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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