I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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