i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
