My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
