Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
