No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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