with your own penis?
The maid of honor just puked.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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