Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
