All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
