Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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