Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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