No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
