And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize