I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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