toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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