how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
