I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
