i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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