Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
