Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Why is your signature on my underwear?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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