So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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