Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
