Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Did I show you my penis last night?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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