life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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