smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
