I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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