How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
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So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
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if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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