she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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