My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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