apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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