I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
