smell my finger.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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