Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
